When we meet someone strange who seems to be interesting, the possibilities of friendship seem limitless. But on a closer inspection-more often than not-doors close. We are either too afraid to talk about things close to our heart, or are too busy talking about things around us which have little or no doing with our real self. The result is that the closer we get to know a person, the lesser we want to.

A person who has sacrificed intimacy for self-actualization and self-fulfillment- in other words, a successful career- is actually confronted with unhappiness, a sense of alienation, a need for intimacy, and ultimately frustration. Seldom do we realize in the pursuit of material goals that we give undue importance and value to independence and separateness.

One stumbling block with intimacy is that it is so often confused with closeness. Closeness often has to do with proximity. We speak to the person often, know his likes and dislikes, his schedules, etc. We probably live with that person or spend a lot of time together. Closeness is then a very intense personal relationship that you could have with a person. We at times even modulate our own thoughts, our life-style, to accommodate the other person. Such kind of closeness can really be healthy and loving. On the other hand, when we are intimate with someone, we are more focused on seeing ourselves, learning about ourselves, giving vent to our emotions, inhibitions, prejudices, fear, et al. Intimacy is about sharing little joys and shameful secrets. It is like putting ourselves forward like an open book without the fear of being ridiculed or looked down upon. It is about finding a shoulder to cry on without our manhood being challenged.

The family unit often provides a good illustration of closeness versus intimacy. Most families are close-the members know each-others likes and dislikes-but they are the least likely our real selves, to know us intimately. It is then no wonder that we so often resist intimacy with those we know well - and even those we love-for intimacy has an element of danger. It is after-all safer to put up barriers, than be exposed. People are always censoring, they may not approve, they may feel hurt, they may laugh back at us, thay may not like us and love us any longer. They may not respect us, and even try to understand us. It is a real risk. Ironically, it is often easier to be emotionally intimate to people whom we dont know or know so little.

Closeness can be learnt, intimacy cannot be. Tired of the emptiness that results from relationships that never get beneath the surface, we crave for intimacy. But intimacy cannot be had for the effort. As a matter of fact, trying to force intimacy can lead to falseness and hypocrisy. It can instead end in cutting off from other others, even ourselves.

People have the best chance of intimate relationships when they simply desire to be together, without demands, constraints or expectations. People always tend to pair off with those who can teach them something. Without our even being aware of it, we learn from those we appreciate, and we tend to appreciate and love those who can offer the sensitivity we ourselves lack-those who compliment us in some way.

Unfortunately, even friends do not come with such an assurance. But if intimacy is important enough, it is worth a try. We might just as well move beyond the fears and self-consciousness that prevents us from being our real self. And then, we might not be so lonely.

A parting thought-
If you stay in your shell for too long, you run the risk of becoming a nut